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Sabrina's Blog Post
Go Hard or Go Home
I remember the first time I heard the phrase, “Go Hard or Go Home.” I was sitting at a kitchen table, playing spades, and I hesitated playing my joker. When I say I wanted to play it, I mean it. I wanted to play it so bad, because, as usual, my intense sense of competition was in full force and I wanted TO WIN. The problem? It wasn’t the “high joker” and I was third out of four players in the play rotation. I looked at my cards and, in my mind, went over all the cards already played. I looked at the other players’ faces hoping to find an indication of what they held in their hands. The only thing I saw, though, was the unanimous expression that said: HURRY UP AND PLAY! All three of them, including my very own partner, wore the same expression and it made me hesitate even more. “Baby, come on,” my man (at the time) said, attempting to coax me into playing. I sat there unable to make a decision on whether I should play my stupid “little joker”. I looked at the player who was to play after me again. I still saw no indication in his face what he was holding in his hand. His expression still only said he wanted me to play my damn card. “Go hard or go home,” said my boyfriend, “always play to win,” he told me. I considered what he said and then hesitantly tossed my “little joker” on the table. I cringed as my opponent slammed down the “big joker” on the table next. “That’s okay, you played to win and you should always play to win,” my guy told me, or at least it went something like that. It was weird because after he consoled me, I didn’t feel so badly that I had lost my joker. I had put everything I had to win on the table.
Ever since I was first introduced to this colloquialism, it resonates in my mind whenever I am faced with a decision and I find myself hesitating. “
Go hard or go home.” And I usually follow it, so when I finished my writing my first novel, I brainstormed all kinds of ways to get a book deal and publicity. Besides writing, I know I can be sexy. Nobody on earth can question my sexy, so I decided it might be a good way to help me get a book deal. I did some “modeling” when I was younger, but decided I had no desire to take modeling anywhere, so I just stopped. After I decided to dip my toe back in the urban modeling industry, for the purpose of generating a buzz for my book, I became in touch with the owner of the website and he agreed to do a feature on me. He wanted me to do the feature under the premise, “This is Sabrina now” and I was with it. I still love taking pictures and I definitely take care of myself, so I didn’t have any problem with the feature. We set a date, snapped some great pics and Indo has been instrumental in anything modeling-related since then. His hope was I would return to the modeling world, but I was still undecided.
After the pictures went up on, all kinds of sites picked the pictures up. My face and interview were featured on several other, unrelated sites, within days! I wasn’t really sure how to receive it. I mean, of course the sizzling hot reception of my alleged “comeback” was flattering, but I still wasn’t sure if I was comfortable with being labeled an “urban model”. I searched my heart to decide if I wanted to have anything to do with urban modeling and I realized something about myself: I’m not an urban model and I don’t want to be one. I loved the pictures and felt Indo did a great job, but I wasn’t proud of it. I wasn’t happy and I felt a total inner turmoil from the time I saw the pictures posted for the world to see. Being an “urban model” is not at all indicative of the person I am today. Maybe three to five years ago, but it’s definitely not me today. I’ve evolved and morphed into a totally different person: A person who doesn’t want to share that side of myself with everyone else. In addition to the way I felt about my pictures, I started looking at the material in the industry today. While I was away from urban modeling, I didn’t follow it. The only models I ever even heard about were the ones who were popular when I was modeling, like Melyssa Ford and Esther Baxter, or who were the most popular in the industry today, like Bria Myles and Ajia Nichole, but I didn’t keep up with anyone’s work. When I ventured to popular web sites featuring urban models and looked at the current pictures out there, I saw women go hard as hell these days. It’s real sexy, but sometimes it’s pushed way beyond sexy and I think “urban models” are sometimes straight playing themselves. I thought, “Woah!!!! I’m not doing this ish!” I felt conflicted because I could always do it on my own terms and I love to model, but I HATED the reputation urban models have earned and I don’t want to be guilty by association. I would not put on a thong and take a picture today. I’m not going to bend over in front of the camera. I can’t go nude or near nude and basically simulate sex for the world to see. Why? Because I don’t want to and that’s what the industry has come to these days.
So it came down to a
decision of how I was going to get publicity for my book. I had to decide what I was going to do and those words started echoing in my mind, “Go hard or go home.” Bottom line: I can’t go hard as an “urban model”, so I’m going to take my butt home and go another route because I won’t do any old thing to get ahead. I will do everything in my power to get ahead so long as I have a clean conscience and can keep my head held high. So I have to keep my “little joker” in my hand this time and I’m not going to play this game at all. I’m sorry to all those who would like to see me continue, but I just can’t. I can’t put my heart into it and I don't do things half-assed and holding back. I’m just not that type of chick. Hope everyone still loves me and supports me anyway….but if not….you can kick rocks!!!! (LOL)
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